stiffness
A change from rainy and crisp to overcast and muggy served as the backdrop to stiffness and aches that seemed to annoy this survivor of nearly seven decades. On the advent of my birth anniversary I was perched precariously on the precipice of a pity party! A mood of woe was creeping in as I sat reflecting on the last couple of years since a formal “retirement”. As a not so fond participant in woeful moods, I decided to let myself go there and “listen” to what I must have been telling myself. Added to the mood walk after the evening eclipse, was the weight of an interrupted sleep by a not so well doggie who must have found a tasty mushroom or some other indigestible morsel to consume the day before. As I “listened” to what the mood “felt like” I began to realize the inaccuracy of the message. It is true that what has been accomplished is firmly in the past, but it is not over! The grace that underpinned any accomplishment attained still resides within this vessel overflowing with knowledge and experiences yet to be fulfilled. Gratitude began to arise as thoughts moved from “has been” to “yet still”. As I savored the presence of the “yet still” thoughts and began to season them with heartfelt gratitude, my “mood walk” changed. It is true that what has been is in the past, but here and now lays the good grace to discover the possibilities that are the substance of tomorrow’s memories. Yesterday’s tomorrow is here today. Thankfulness warms the pot of possibility that is now steaming with God’s grace.
Overcast and cooler, the deck this morning is inviting. The puppy and her mother have played in the cool moist grass and Sebastian, the barn cat, has wandered by offering his somewhat aloof greeting. Tasks wait as we enjoy the splendor of the outdoor moments and revel in the gratitude for this time and place. Although movement challenges persist from that visitor called Parkinson’s we continue forward being thankful for the opportunity to press on. Occasionally we are visited by fatigue, persistent pain and resistance to movement. These visitors are sometimes met with anger, sometimes with determination, and at others with tears. Absorbing the beauty of the present moment away from the effects of those nasty visitors renews this heart with wonder, encouragement and gratitude. This place, this day, this view from the deck ignites the fuel that propels us to live to the fullest. May we seek out each day that place where thankfulness washes over us and renews our hearts with gratitude!
Morning sun peers through the thin eastern haze as the stillness of the forest awaits the arrival of another late summer day. Puppies fed and their mother relieved of her morning duties, this possessor of Parkinson’s disease ponders what is ahead for this day. Grateful for physical movement and another breath we sit in awe of the silence in the old farm house. Away from the impassioned postings that pop forth on social media and the angst that some of that energy isn’t being used to “love one another,” we contemplate what that command will mean for me as this day unfolds. We reflect on today’s “to do’s” and wonder in what ways they may be expressions of “to love.” A doctor’s visit, a laundry drop at the cleaner’s, a grocery stop, a load of darks and a load of whites through the washer and the cleaning of the puppy pen are but a few of the “opportunities” listed for today. Interestingly, none of these are what I “love” to do. Realizing “love” is a verb helps reframe today’s list. The prayer now for this day is that the “to do” be executed in a way that demonstrates acts of love. If I do not succeed, at least perhaps my mental state along the way may be focused on a more positive outcome.
An eerie stillness covers the overcast landscape as if exhausted from the bright sun and humid breezes of the days prior. A bit of sunshine begins to break through the dense foggy barrier as Gracie the Golden surveys the orchard for hints of scents that may be interesting, if not distracting from her mothering duties of late. This stiff Parkinson’s fraught body plops slowly into the new porch swing as it gently pushes itself to stretch and flex its semi-resistant legs. The now six week old pups are foraging their landscape for any remainder of puppy food morsels. Within the thirty minute window from first medication ingestion to the first sip of the day’s caffeine, pups have been fed, Gracie has been indulged, and a thankful caretaker has stretched and embraced the wonder of the day’s gift of life. With a healthy helping of gratitude for the beauty and wonder of today’s light, this partaker of life’s journey prepares his heart and mind for thanks filled navigation!
Dark and overcast, the delivery truck unloaded the drywall in the middle of the driveway. Anxious about the ominous look in the sky and wanting to avoid a wet investment, our neighbor and I began to slowly move the largest pieces into the shelter of the space where it would be used. Previously unaware of the weight of large drywall sheets I strained and inwardly groaned as we moved each piece with the delicacy required to avoid cracking or tearing. After accomplishing approximately ten percent of the task at hand, this reluctant participant in Parkinson’s disease and its attending rigidity and stiffness was aching from head to toe. Anxiety was on the rise as I wondered how I was going to accomplish this seemingly herculean task in a timely fashion. Suddenly a neighbor’s friend arrived to say hello. My compatriot quickly solicited the help of the newly arrived friend and the task that appeared minutes before to be so ominous was complete in short order. Effusive expressions of gratitude were showered verbally upon the two sturdy conveyers of drywall this day. Thankfulness welled up inside as I silently thought of the burden I had been spared by the arrival of helping hands. Though throbbing and sore from the strain exerted already, I am grateful and content that provision was made by the hands of a friend and a stranger. Today’s dose of gratitude shall provide nourishment for days to come!
As the eve of summer approaches the swings in temperature seem to slow their pace. From cool crisp evenings to hot and sultry days we are moving to swings of hot and sultry to “not as hot” evenings. Eager for rain fall, the fields begin to display more and more brown. At this time last year we were inundated with rain to the degree that it was hard to keep up with all the growth stimulated by the moisture. Even without the abundance of rain, the grass in the garden beds seems to be enjoying and extra boost in nutrients as it spreads fruitfully to choke out the desired strawberry or cucumber. A little extra time and care is required, but we are thankful that an overabundance of rain has not nurtured the pesky invader further along. With a thankful heart and a tight gripping hand we attack the invader with enthusiasm. Sometimes there are swings in the Parkinson’s experience as well. Seemingly out of nowhere, stiffness will appear prompting resistance in a movement that for nearly a lifetime has been taken for granted. That quick flex of an ankle or foot that prompted an easy turn in direction in times past freezes into an almost locked position, defying the brain’s intention. It’s as though the body is ignoring the brain’s direction as it retorts “you talking to me?” We try replenishing the source of the dopamine that increasingly diminishes deep within the brain and thankfully it is successful most of the time. Exercise, resistant as this body has become to it, adds another element to the store of flexibility from which agility may make its purchase. Gratitude adds fuel for the journey as we amass resources that restore, maintain, and even nurture physical flexibility and agility, one day at a time.
Clouds hover as the heat from the sun is reserved for space above the mist. The landscape still showers us with its beauty and grace as the verdant green of grass and trees bursts forth in the mist of the day. All is quiet this day as even birds and road traffic seem to have abandoned their posts. Stiffness and pain seem to have made their way in with the rising of the sun. Perhaps overindulgence in activities of late or perhaps it’s just the cycle this boomer body is to expect on the disease process road this one travels. At the edge of dawn I was taken by a moment of complaining to myself followed by a reminder that I have neither the right nor reason to be complaining about anything. Loved by an everlasting God of grace, provided with a sheltered place to sleep, and sustained with food and opportunities to minimize the effects of disease, I was suddenly turned from groans to gratitude. I am thankful that the choice to praise outweighs the propensity to pity.
A sly and cunning invader he is! Seemingly without cause, he creeps into the crevices of joints and muscle tendons with his incessant throbbing and resistance to nimble movement. In the quiet of my day I call him out as the uninvited intruder that he is. I speak not a kind word to him; rather I identify him as what he is, wretched and wrought with inconvenience. I seek to find a place or position absent his antagonism. I resist him by attempting to ignore his taunting. Finally, I let him know that although he is not the victor, I accept his presence as a temporary squatter who knows perfectly well he cannot reside permanently. Accommodating his annoyance temporarily is an exercise in stress reduction while standing firmly on the experience that he is not a permanent resident. Gratitude for infrequent visits further fills this cup to overflowing. Affirmed in thankfulness and endowed with recollection, I look at the visitor knowing that “this too shall pass.”
By: Cathy Garrott
I am very much looking forward to a visit from my brother and his wife … the first time in 33 years that anyone from my family has come to see me in Japan. I’ve tried to take little steps in preparation for their visit, so that I would not be stressed and exhausted by their time in my home. Here it is, 2 days before their arrival and suddenly I am dealing with stiff joints, trouble walking, exhaustion, balance. This sneaked up on me without my realizing it! Is this how it’s going to be? Is this enemy going to control the special time I’ve so been looking forward to for the past several months? I am determined to not allow it to be so!!!
Stress comes in many forms, according to my doctor. There are good things as well as bad things that give us stress. Weddings, graduations, the birth of a baby, visits from loved ones or friends that fill us with joy … each of these can produce as much stress in our body as dealing with the loss of a loved one through sickness, death, divorce, moving, etc. can dump on us. The PD body reacts to stress in many ways, and often it takes us completely by surprise. We can choose how we react and respond to it, even if we cannot control what is happening. I choose joy, thanksgiving, setting aside time to rest a bit throughout the day as needed. They will understand and help me deal with it. I can climb this mountain that looms in front of me with the love, understanding, and encouragement of my loved ones!
In the dark morning glow before the sun appeared, I spotted the two ears sprouting from the darkened orb just down the hill. Five yards further was another orb seemingly without the prominent ears. As I questioned myself whether they could be rabbits, they both leapt frantically toward the safety of the brush as Gracie the Golden Retriever sprinted in hot pursuit. A call into the rustling darkness brought the panting pup back as we concluded her morning escapade. Gulps of water from her refreshed bowl preceded her now eager chomping of the fresh morning morsels awaiting her consumption. With satiated pet now sprawled leisurely at my feet, I whisper words of thankfulness for the opportunity of another day. With agenda yet to be unfurled, a bountiful heart of gratitude awaits its arrival. Stiffness and aches have taken their place among the stones that support the foundation of this dwelling that is dedicated to living in the space of grace that has been given. No matter the weather, a beautiful day is on the horizon!