gratitude
The light through the blinds was evidence that a cloudless night was being illuminated by a multitude of stars. Though sound asleep just a few minutes prior, this unwilling possessor of Parkinson’s was now profusely pondering all things that had not been pondered sufficiently during daylight hours. Tossing and turning to gain that singular cozy position under the covers on this chilly night did little to quell the wandering and now wide awake mind from its search for solutions to created problems not worthy of “normal” day time. Frustrated that neither prayers nor intentional thought aversion were leading back to longed for slumber, the now wide awake obsessed one made the choice to rise and begin the day. Still two hours shy of sunrise, routine morning consumption of daily medications was commenced. With fire stoked in the old wood stove, and coffee ready for the brewing, even Gracie the Golden was not to be lured from her evening reprieve as she snuggled feet to chin on her generously cushioned bed. Warmly positioned in the den recliner and vigorously absorbing the morning reading, I paused to reflect on the last few days. In the midst of tasks, errands, appointments and moments of rest I had begun to understand that living is less like an event and more like a process. For some, that may not be a revelation, but for this participant, it was a series of thoughts worthy of giving thanks for their occurrence. Over the years there have been innumerable events that I would have previously deemed noteworthy. Reflecting now, I find greater value in understanding these things as a process of experiencing life that offered opportunities for learning and growing as opposed to events to “chalk” up along the way. Having deemed these thoughts worthy of further exploration, this now sleepy soul surrenders to the notion of a nap as being nutritious for this growing processor. Stay tuned!
A raging torrent of rain has passed. The deluge too great for the underlying Carolina red clay now hovers in masses of puddles in all the low lying places from which it could not run off. A glance out the front window of the old farm house gives witness to cardinals, and one woodpecker feasting on the critters finding their way to the top of the soil to avoid the penetrating swale of water coming their way. For some of nature’s own, this weather is a treat whereas for others it brings life risking challenges above which a few may not rise. The proverbial “mixed bag” seems not so mixed for some. Living with the “mixed bag” of chronic disease presents life challenges for which one must learn to accommodate. Medication is one form of accommodation for many. Adjusting to physical limitations and challenges is yet another form of accommodation. An occasional diminution of symptoms which requires less accommodation may be taken for granted since one’s pre-symptomatic life was relatively void of reasons to accommodate. As untoward symptoms re-emerge, it is not uncommon to have them accompanied by various aspects of grief. This semi-professional accommodator to symptoms and grief therewith has grown to understand and appreciate the necessity to exercise routine and consistent thanksgiving for all abilities and levels of accommodation. Gratitude has become that friend whose comfort I would not be caught without. When challenges seem to overwhelm, that friend named gratitude emerges to remind me that all abilities, whether great or small, are gifts and keys that open a plethora of still unused abilities!
Delighted by the brightness of the sun drenched snow we celebrate the end of the storm that brought the now deep white rendering. We found beauty in the falling white powder and sense of relief when the blowing drifts no longer piled high against the house. Thankful that the furnace functions and the old wood stove serves its purpose to exude heat from the burning goods inside, we find a place of contentment with books and periods of expressions of our gratitude. Knowing challenges of shoveling and making pathways lie ahead, we all the more express our thankfulness for sunshine to brighten the way. Knowing that the beauty of snow may soon easily turn to challenging sheets of ice, we make our plans to tackle the chores that soon demand our presence. Stiffness aches, and a few creaks and cracks of this Parkinson’s possessing participant will have their say, but nonetheless, we determine, shall not deter! Shored with the boots of gratitude and the cloak of thankfulness, mind, body, and snow will be justly moved to make way for tomorrow’s tasks. And this praising participant is all the more thankful for today’s opportunity to face the challenge!
The western sky emits a pinkish hue as the dusting of snow brightens the landscape on this cold winter morning. Another storm is predicted to arrive tomorrow with potentially ominous amounts of snow in its path. The normal chatter of crows in the field is absent as even the birds seem to be hovering close to maintain their warmth. Sunshine is predicted for the day to precede the downpour of snow. We cherish the brightness before the storm. As prepared as we know to be for what may come, we settle in for routine chores and tasks required of residents in the old farm house. Still waking from the shadow of a hard night’s sleep, this unwilling host to Parkinson’s disease contemplates the need for gratitude versus rumination in the presence of stiffness, rigidity, and lumbar pain. Focus on the unwanted only heaps on layers of stress and underlying anger at “my state” whereas intentional focus on thoughts of gratitude lifts me from a place of potential despair to one of peace. Crude and trite thoughts of thankfulness that embrace the notion that “it could be worse” or “look at what others experience” have little foundation upon which this journeyman may rest. Instead, genuine expressions of thankfulness for the victories in challenges past and yet to come serve as fertile soil in which hope may grow and a harvest of gratitude may be gathered. Recognizing this life as a process of living out one’s core of faith rather than the simple experience of an event renders a vista to a whole new landscape. This traveler is discovering the joy of living in the light of gratitude in this journey that is life!
Relieved of her need to search the grounds for just the right spot, Gracie the Golden now curls tightly on the edge of her bed. Nothing seems to distract her from her determination to sleep away this cold but sunny morning. She lives in her own reality and will emerge in a few hours for some petting and coveted “lap time” before consuming her morning ration of special nutrition. Having cleared away the dishes, stoked the old stove with wood, and checked for recent emails, this reluctant “retiree” who otherwise detests perceived limiting labels settles in for some reading and writing time. Gracie and I both seem to enjoy each of our own versions of reality. I do not presume to interpret hers as she seems to thrive well in her own without regard for the nature of mine. There seems so much I wish to accomplish and I chip away at it daily, getting closer to the fulfillment of some ambitions and barely scratching the surface of others. Expressions of gratitude help to ward off the propensity to look at what I have yet to do as failure and keeps in perspective that what has already been done is success! Success comes in various ways and at numerous times and often eludes recognition. Gathering the logs for insertion into the fired up wood stove counts as a gathering success. Inserting the logs as we stoke the flames is a warming success. Sitting comfortably in the warmth of the now heated room as I write and read is the result of a successful journey thus far. The removal of ashes in a few days will mark a successful journey over the past couple of weeks of igniting and maintaining warmth in this place called home. The multiples of successes that have been obtained along this journey are heaped now into the giant cup of gratitude from which we sip a fresh brew of motivation and inspiration for the next opportunity to discover success. Success is a part of the journey that seems to grow in the showers of gratitude that recognize it along the way.
The old wood stove clanks as the newly inserted wood begins to crackle as flames consume it. Coals remaining from the well stoked stove the evening before serve as a thrifty ignition for the wood generously added this morning. The den becomes cozy and warm from the heat off the cast iron container connected to the chimney. A warm place of quiet and solitude is at our command as we stretch out the legs upon the recliner. On the coldest morning so far this year, the blessing of warmth and comfort inside serves as a stark contrast to the frigid realm outdoors. Bright morning sun peeks its way through the trees on the hillside to the east and conveys an illusion of warmth. Quiet now from the hectic bustle of the last few weeks of travel and chores, this host to Parkinson’s allows himself the pleasure of a welcomed change as he reflects upon the challenges, the victories, and the joys of the last full month. A warm crackle from the old wood stove sparks the heart with thoughts of gratitude for time with family, some tasks accomplished, and the blessing of a safe harbor to moor this sometimes wandering vessel. A thankful heart serves as an anchor to secure this wanderer in the embrace of the sea that gives life.
Stillness surrounds the overcast landscape as we witness the dawn of a new day. Gracie the Golden Retriever lies sleeping as close as she can get without being in my lap. In the distance, a crow caws his persistent refrain. All is still and calm as it appears that not even a vehicle has passed by. This first day of a new year has brought with it an opportunity for reflection. Challenges have been abundant and many have led to opportunities. Still others have necessitated change and adaptation to a “new normal” for this gradually accepting host of Parkinson’s disease. Although we have made friends with the diagnosis and reality of this disease, we cannot fully embrace it as we are yet to discover the unique way in which it will work its way through this also unique human inhabitant. We have shed tears, moved with a slowness that tries patience, endured penetrating pain. We have also enjoyed travel, legalized a lasting relationship, discovered more genetic background, and learned the joy of seeing families cherish their newly acquired puppies. Contributing time, energy, and heartfelt love with several ministries at church has been the spark of a sustained blessing that gives encouragement at each involvement. Gratitude now shores the pathway upon which we plan our moves forward in this new day. Thankfulness brightens the window through which we reflect upon from where we’ve come and step with hope into what is to be discovered!
A steady drizzle descends over the landscape this unusually warm December morning as we strive to assimilate again to our home environment. We arrived last evening after a daunting drive from South Florida to the outrageously eager welcome from Gracie the Golden and the embrace of our own bed. The task of preparing a property for market after years of passive neglect had taken virtually all our strength and energy over the past few weeks and this unwilling host to Parkinson’s disease was exhaustingly ready for the return home. Daily sorting through a massive “to do” list and having to take frequent physical relief breaks while lamenting the still “not done” list began to heap the weight of frustration upon the physical resistance. The handy skills of a friend hired to complete some of the work offered pleasant hope that all would be accomplished in the allotted time. Willing hearted sons with limited time available from work and family served to advance the accomplishments as well. A granddaughter’s desire to be of help proved to be a generous blessing and a daughter’s welcoming accommodation added to the list of things for which we are thankful. Although we did not fully accomplish the desired outcome while there, we are grateful that we have scheduled the work for completion. Gratitude has been the fuel that ignited the understanding that physical limitations fail to define the journey, but rather serve as guideposts for the path we choose.
Armed with an initial list of chores to complete, this unwilling host to Parkinson’s set out to accomplish what seemed to be the impossible. A house purchased ten years ago, intended to be an income investment, has grown to be a financial burden and needs to be prepared for market. Scrubbing, painting, repairing, and replacing fixtures, walls, some ceilings and small appliances is challenging even to the fully functioning. With the help of a friend, headway has been made and what was at one point seemingly impossible has moved to the realm of hopeful. Still challenged by pain and physical resistance, we tackle what we can and allow time for relief before assuming the tackle position again. A hearty celebration of my granddaughter’s first birthday with many family members present filled the heart of this servant of the otherwise mundane tasks that take every ounce of physically resistant energy. Grateful for what has been accomplished and hopeful for what is yet to come, we take each and every moment as it arrives. With time nipping at our heels, we keep our sights focused on thankfulness.
A semi-restless sleep was abruptly interrupted by the sound of the alarm. Recollection rushed to the forefront as I slowly sat up to insert my feet into the waiting slippers. I recalled that the “Breakfast Club” was first on the agenda for today as I swallowed my first round of daily medication, flipped on the coffee maker and opened the door for Gracie to take her run. Sebastian the cat began meowing impatiently as he seemed to be calling forth his morning morsels from his perch on the porch. A dip into his bag of mix and a quick dump into his bowl left him devouring his crunchy feast. Five in the morning seemed to have arrived abruptly as the rush was now on for a shower and quick sip of coffee before making the trek to the church kitchen to begin the six in the morning Sunday preparation of a breakfast for more than fifty regular partakers who count on this meal to sustain themselves. Still shaking off the remnants of sleep my mind began rushing forward with the order of preparation now in store. The Sextant had been on vacation over the preceding holiday and the usual pot of coffee to be turned on for brew did not greet us as we entered the fellowship hall and adjoining kitchen. A frantic search through all the cupboards yielded not a single ground of coffee. Not being deterred, the team assembled to deliver the sustenance that morning. A quick run to a local fast food establishment with the intent to purchase a large container of coffee, proved nonproductive as the business was not open that early on Sunday morning. Our focus shifted quickly from what we “didn’t have” to what we “did have”. Sausage, biscuits, grits, eggs, and juice were all soon placed on the waiting trays as the grateful participants sidestepped the absence of coffee in those early hours of Sunday morning. Forty eight people experienced a warm and hearty meal with some taking the option of seconds in the form of a sausage biscuit. Even in the absence of the usual caffeine stimulant, gratitude suffered not a single blow as we all shared in the fellowship of giving and receiving that Sunday morning.