It seems that movement from one place to another is becoming more challenging, regardless of the circumstances. So many actions were taken for granted and were never really given a second thought. Moving from the chair to the refrigerator to retrieve a chilled glass of water is not an issue for most folks. For this possessor of Parkinson’s that movement has become fraught with challenges. Without framing the quest for that journey solidly in my mind’s eye, this simple task could become an action wherein a generous hug of the floor replaces the cool glass of water. The first action to be taken is the actual understanding and acknowledgement that there is a result desired (water) that must be approached differently than in the past. Rising from the chair becomes the first action. In so many years past, when this inhibitor called Parkinson’s was not a resident to be reckoned with, the action from the chair, to standing upright and walking smoothly to the refrigerator and retrieving the water that quinches the thirst, then returning to the chair to continue the action of the project previously engaged would have been a relative “non-event”. Now, however, every movement must be given attention with intent of movement even before the movement is initiated. After reaching the upright position, the foot taking the lead (right or left) must be intentionally lifted, followed by the intentional lifting of the other until the pattern of steps is achieved. Otherwise, the simple act of walking turns into a previously unimaginable dancing shuffle of the feet in an effort to maintain balance. Once the walk has been achieved, less attention has to be given to it until a turn is desired, right or left. If so, the turn must be attended to with the same intensity as the steps in the beginning. The invasion of the malady known as Parkinson’s has given me pause to recognize the intention of all the movements I make. Utilizing my lap-top computer, messaging on my cell phone, preparing a meal, preparing for and then taking a shower, are but a few of the things that in the past seemed to require the degree of attention called for now. These actions have always required the same degree of movement as they do now, but they have not required the degree of attention to units of detail that is now required. Actions now are best accomplished when the intention for that action is understood, acknowledged to self, and attended to during every action to accomplish the goal. I have discovered that quenching a thirst must engage numerous intentions. The discovery of understanding and engaging “intent” opens the door to a greater recognition of the blessings we can uncover as we nurture the thriving heart!

One of the most meaningful lessons I learned during my time in pharmaceutical sales training (both as student and as instructor/facilitator) was that the VALUE of something lies not in the thing itself, but rather in the result of engaging it. Simply stated, “the value of a one quarter inch drill lies not in the drill itself, but in the HOLE you get”. Think about it! The value of so many tools we learn, possess, create, and store (the mechanical ones and the intellectual/thought -process ones, among others) lies not in the function itself but in the “result” we desire from using that tool. When we learn to use tools that render what we desire (value), we tend to place them in an “as needed” storage bin and think little of those tools utilized in the process of obtaining the value we seek. Here are some examples of tools the are used in rendering value: Flour from ground wheat into a white powder when used with a few other tools renders value in the bread (in various forms) we get (and many other possibilities such as pie shell, gravy, etc.). Fresh water, a tool used in generating much value; quenching thirst, fruits and vegetables, and so many more we can hardly count, is one we so often take for granted. When we, while living out our lives, begin to see some (or many) of the things we value start to diminish, we begin to look for what may be missing or limiting our “value” expectation. The virus pandemic we have been living in has presented multiple opportunities to experience the loss of things of value we have grown to expect in our every day lives. Probably of greatest value to many of us is the social gatherings. To many of us, the value of limiting participation in those gatherings until we are inoculated and aware of the same for others therein is greater than the hugging warm gatherings of even small crowds valued dearly in the past. Rarely, if ever, did those of the past carry the very real threat of death. Giving thanks for the virologic learning and application of the same to produce tools that bring the value of continued life into our presence delivers with every prayer of thanks, the hope of tomorrow’s opportunities. Discovering tools that help us process the true value of our lives helps take us closer to the place where we can even uncover value we had never recognized before!  “In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God…” 1 Thessalonians 5:18 KJV

Daffodils are showing their bright yellow blooms as they offer themselves as the first of the Spring renderings. The view from the intricate gazebo is inspiring, even when the vantage point is less than bright on the cloudy, overcast day. This possessor of a thriving heart begins to grow in his mind’s eye a desire to continue the work of upkeep where possible. Am I or am I not capable of engaging in and completing these tasks I have begun to set aside in my mind’s “to-do” list? These days of sequestering oneself to avoid contracting the deadly virus have offered up an overabundance of time to nap, think, and read. Unfortunately, the need to exercise and keep the basic strength of muscles and joints functioning has been placed on the wayside. With the dawn of this new Spring and the perceived freedom to engage more cautiously with others, this possessor of Parkinson’s is finding the navigation of space and distance to be ever more challenging than experienced before. Walking has become not only a muscle and strength issue, but it has also become a mind issue. Where stepping from one room to another seemed previously a thoughtless act, now each of those steps requires intentional thinking. Each step not only requires the desire to move to the desired location, but also must include the intentional thought to lift each leg so as not to shuffle and lunge face forward toward the floor. It is time to sprout my daffodils and get my blooming movements closer to where they were. Giving thanks for what can be salvaged and refurbished adds nutrients for the sprouting of this Spring’s achievements. May we all learn the value of gratitude as we nurture a thriving heart!

The sun is gleaming off the remaining snow that covers the pasture and yard visible from the old farmhouse. The bright sunlight infuses my consciousness in a way that lifts my mood from the foggy overcast that has been the shadow-maker over extended periods during this pandemic bound winter. Hungry for human interaction, this posser of Parkinson’s and reluctant player in this pandemic, has had to come to grips with the reality that interaction with other humans cannot be as it was. In fact, it may never return to exactly as it was, but for the opportunities to engage with others in alternative ways such as video chat and more emails and “messaging” than ever imagined, I give thanks! As each hour passes, the challenge of living in the “new normal” becomes less challenging but far from a place of comfort experienced over many years in the “old normal”. The interpretation of life as lived and experienced now is in reality different from what it was in the past. Accepting that truth has been part of the challenge. When we become “accustomed” to living and interpreting life a certain way and are challenged when it no longer can be interpreted or experienced that way, we are faced with the challenges of loss and grief and are further thrust into a seemingly deeper cavern than we have experienced before and realize how much we miss the solid ground of reality we once walked upon. All of us experience the elements of grief during many stages of our lives. Some elements are easier to manage our way through than others, but all require our attention and active participation. As we tackle the challenges and begin to see them as “possible” to live through, we are well served to reflect and express our gratitude for having learned how to walk more steadily in the new terrain. Gratitude then becomes the nutrient from which we receive the energy to discover that life is most rewarding when we learn again that we have the wherewithal to “thrive” which makes us far richer than living in the state of survival. Acknowledging and expressing our gratitude for the challenges through which we have survived gives us clearer vision through which we may recognize how we are thriving!

The visit with the nurse practitioner in the neurology department was set for 8:45am via computer. I had experienced a successful visit with the neurologist some six months prior, so I was expecting a similar experience. Intending to be ready and set for the video exchange that was scheduled to happen, I logged into the medical website a good fifteen minutes early. Questions popped up that I thought had been answered months before. Each time I followed the instructions to log into a video session and wait for the physician’s appearance, I was faced with the same routing that took me seemingly nowhere. Frustrated and nearly exhausted from the anxiety resulting from the fear that I would not be able to connect, became even stronger as I realized I was nearly fifteen minutes late for the appointment. I saw a phone number listed that one could call in case of difficulty with the video visit. The numbness in my legs was starting earlier than I had ever experienced. Sleep the night before was tedious and I was awake several times with an exceptionally active bladder, followed by obsessive thoughts that would not succumb to rational thinking that required a fully awakened mind. I was able to reach a technician by phone who intervened and connected me with the practitioner with whom I had the appointment. I told her about my frustrations over a lack of solid sleep and the onset of near paralysis at least once each afternoon that seemed to subside only with even a short nap. As we were wrapping up the video visit, she suggested that I take a tablet once each evening at bedtime of the medicine that she was ordering by prescription at my chosen pharmacy. It was described to me as an antidepressant/anti-anxiety medication. The intent was for me to try it to see if it would be helpful with what had become a difficult sleep pattern. With the new Rx in hand and bedtime upon me that evening, I took the dose as prescribed. A good night’s sleep was with me that evening, with fewer runs for the bladder. Each night afterwards, the sleep became more and more restful and renewing. The bouts of afternoon regression into numbness of my (predominately) right leg and foot became less painful and severe. With nearly a week of the new medication behind me, I have become more and more grateful for having discovered what appears to be a relief from tenuous sleepless nights and renewed energy during the daytime. Intermeshed therewith, I had failed to recognize the level of grief and even sense of despair that had come upon me. The fear of contracting the coronavirus and the plethora of physical challenges many have been unable to overcome, led me to allow grief and despair to insinuate themselves deep in my psyche.  I have concluded that bouts of anxiety even intermeshed with rational challenges, when collected within the “pot” of grief and despair, requires more than a shaker of rational “salt” to clear the emotional “sour-soup” that emerges. The addition of the newly prescribed ingredient appears to be a better neuronal nutrient than the putrid bits that harbor fear, grief, and despair. Though these bits still exist, they fail to change the color of my conscious canvas!

She (my delightful Golden Retriever) stares at me from across the room. She just woke up from her one of many naps. The look in her eyes indicates she desires my attention. Experience informs me that she either wants to take a run outside or sit close to me as I rub her neck, or even have some more relaxing time sitting on my lap in the receptive recliner. Since I am otherwise preoccupied with discerning the cause and potential solution to the “off time” I am having, I choose to let her out for a mid-day run in the crisp winter air and a satiating roll on the now brown and crusty grass. My “off time” seems to be arriving on a regular basis. The best description of this often-infuriating experience is as one having hold of an electrically charged wire giving off surges that are almost constant from my waist down. The right leg somewhat multiplies the “charging” sensation presenting extended periods of less than “normal” feelings, as though the leg is “asleep”. That leg and foot numbly twists and turns as though they are too stimulated to give way to the desired rest and relaxation. I seek to find a position that allows both legs the opportunity to relax. That seldom comes on its own. I grab one of the pointedly positioned canes awaiting their usefulness and begin to purposefully walk from one room to the other, traveling through the house multiples of times. I use the word “purposefully” with intent (every pun intended). Without focusing on the “intent” of the walk (the intent is to force the muscles in my legs to be used as created) my focus becomes getting past the pain and subsequent dis-ability manifesting more freely of late.  The walk has several intentions, however. To begin to restore the “natural” and “safe” walk that has been lost with the invasion of the less than normal stride. The “natural” (without giving it an intentional thought) walk has deteriorated to one that is nothing more than a shuffle of feet that can easily lead to a fall flat on my face. With a consciousness of “intent” I lift my right foot and move forward, repeating the same action with the left foot and thus accomplishing within seconds a stride of steps that if I stay with the intent, virtually eliminates the shuffle. The neural “charge” that has insinuated itself appears to be overcome by the intentional movement. A few laps around through the house and letting my mind be the guide to the intentional steps has often (not always, however) provided the impetus to sit with greater comfort and allow this mind and body to engage a short nap (even fifteen minutes seems to have a reparative quality). That appears to be enough time for the dopamine encased in my neurons to reassert itself, restoring this possessor of Parkinson’s with the relief that comes with returning to non-electrified, better abled legs and feet that require less attention to the intention of their purpose. Learning to adapt in the way described herein is not something I would have ever dreamed of engaging. I learned to walk at the age of two and this aging (and irrational) mind has taken it for granted since then. As I am moving past my anger (a part of my grieving process, I must remind myself, is “natural”) and I am engaging more in behaviors and thoughts that help to restore abilities, I am finding once again that it is the nutrients of gratitude that stand the better chance of unleashing the best crop of peace in the hope of tomorrow!