The visit with the nurse practitioner in the neurology department was set for 8:45am via computer. I had experienced a successful visit with the neurologist some six months prior, so I was expecting a similar experience. Intending to be ready and set for the video exchange that was scheduled to happen, I logged into the medical website a good fifteen minutes early. Questions popped up that I thought had been answered months before. Each time I followed the instructions to log into a video session and wait for the physician’s appearance, I was faced with the same routing that took me seemingly nowhere. Frustrated and nearly exhausted from the anxiety resulting from the fear that I would not be able to connect, became even stronger as I realized I was nearly fifteen minutes late for the appointment. I saw a phone number listed that one could call in case of difficulty with the video visit. The numbness in my legs was starting earlier than I had ever experienced. Sleep the night before was tedious and I was awake several times with an exceptionally active bladder, followed by obsessive thoughts that would not succumb to rational thinking that required a fully awakened mind. I was able to reach a technician by phone who intervened and connected me with the practitioner with whom I had the appointment. I told her about my frustrations over a lack of solid sleep and the onset of near paralysis at least once each afternoon that seemed to subside only with even a short nap. As we were wrapping up the video visit, she suggested that I take a tablet once each evening at bedtime of the medicine that she was ordering by prescription at my chosen pharmacy. It was described to me as an antidepressant/anti-anxiety medication. The intent was for me to try it to see if it would be helpful with what had become a difficult sleep pattern. With the new Rx in hand and bedtime upon me that evening, I took the dose as prescribed. A good night’s sleep was with me that evening, with fewer runs for the bladder. Each night afterwards, the sleep became more and more restful and renewing. The bouts of afternoon regression into numbness of my (predominately) right leg and foot became less painful and severe. With nearly a week of the new medication behind me, I have become more and more grateful for having discovered what appears to be a relief from tenuous sleepless nights and renewed energy during the daytime. Intermeshed therewith, I had failed to recognize the level of grief and even sense of despair that had come upon me. The fear of contracting the coronavirus and the plethora of physical challenges many have been unable to overcome, led me to allow grief and despair to insinuate themselves deep in my psyche. I have concluded that bouts of anxiety even intermeshed with rational challenges, when collected within the “pot” of grief and despair, requires more than a shaker of rational “salt” to clear the emotional “sour-soup” that emerges. The addition of the newly prescribed ingredient appears to be a better neuronal nutrient than the putrid bits that harbor fear, grief, and despair. Though these bits still exist, they fail to change the color of my conscious canvas!
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