Why(ning)

All four of my children developed a propensity early on for responding to commands or direction with a respectful and sincere “why.” Wanting to be the patient and ideal (in my mind) parent, I would attempt to respond with the simplest explanation I could muster. After the fifth or so inquisition, the ideal parent gave way to the seemingly expedient one with a “because I said so” response. I think they got the message that it was no longer “safe” to inquire, but “safer” to relinquish the quest for further understanding. When I received the initial diagnosis of Parkinson’s disease, an honored guest at my short lived pity party was the elusive Mr. Why. Emotionally I was bombarded by his insistence on knowing why PD; why me; why now? The churchy little response that “this is in God’s plan for your life,” was not sufficient to rescue me from the flood waters of self pity that were washing over me as if a dam had broken. As I wiped away the tears I asked the question; “why not”? I was again flooded with MY reasoned agenda of why I should not have PD, but each of them came back to their home deep within self obsession. The rational reason for my having PD was that pyramidal cells in the area of the substantia nigra of my brain were dying off, thus diminishing the production of dopamine, an essential neural transmitter, impacting movement and often mood. Why that was happening to me at that time may never be fully answered. A genetic assay determined that I have no marker for the disease. It does not eliminate environmental contributors, however. Ultimately, I have moved from the place of why to the place of how. How do I now live a life as full as possible with what I have ability to accomplish? I have moved from the place of being a victim of this to a place of being grateful for the discovery of possibilities before me. I admit that I have not unloaded the moving van completely, but the bulk of the heavy stuff has been discarded and part of the joy that is now the journey is decorating with gratitude this refurbished abode.