surrender
The pre-dawn western sky was aglow as the nearly full moon shone brightly through the break in the fast-moving clouds. It had been four hours since sleep had overtaken in the comfort of the welcoming sheets embracing this possessor of Parkinson’s. Too early to engage fully, I reasoned, as Gracie the Golden nudged herself tightly against my legs. Gently she and I navigated her way to her preferred position stretched across my lap in the ever-welcoming recliner. A full agenda for the day ahead had kept me from rejoining the snooze brigade earlier. The warmth and weight of the loving and zealous seventy-pound creature brought comfort as I stroked her ears and neck. Sleep that still eluded me soon held her in its grip. Her whimpers and jerks signified to me that she was in a deep sleep and dreaming perhaps of an adventure in the fields romping about in the glee of freedom from the confines of the farmhouse. As she seemed to be consumed with dreams I whispered offerings of thanks for the joy of this time with one of God’s special creations. Surrender to accepting that this time awake was simply a part of today’s adventure and had offered me this blessing of cuddle and comfort added peace to the platter being served up. Gratitude, offered up in the expressions of thankfulness and in the presence of surrender is the framework upon which today is built.
It’s early morning and the sun has not yet begun to glow in the eastern sky, however, in the northwestern horizon the sky is aglow with light. The city and state just north of the farm is only a mile away and in these wee hours of the morning in the absence of sunlight, factory and city lights make themselves known. Earlier, as the seemingly routine sleep disturbance knocked so profoundly on the mind of this Parkinson’s host, I lay there frustrated that the sleep that had so passionately overtaken me just a few hours before had departed so abruptly. The more I tried to take control of my thoughts and seeming obsessions the greater the frustration grew and the further from that desired place of deep sleep I traveled. As frustration grew it became obvious that sleep was not to be even a faint visitor. The harder I fought to return to that place of rest the more “unrest” I exposed. This journey along the road of PD pandering has been fraught with frustration, a few feelings of defeat and a light of hope brought forward in utterances of thankfulness for even moments of quiet peace and joy. Today is different! Today I surrender! I surrender not to defeat but rather to the reality that life has changed, my body is different than it used to be, sleep as I have known it for years may or may not return. Agility as I had taken for granted so often in the past may never even make a visit again. Suddenly, there was peace within as I began to embrace the whole notion of surrender. This surrender does not translate to defeat; it partners with what is to be victory in this life that sorts through what is important and what is not. There is more to be learned as I begin today to walk along the journey of surrender, worrying not about my enemy but rather grasping the opportunities that are afforded me by the freedom from fighting that can be exercised in the joy of living!
The management training session in Mexico City had been a success and I was headed to Miami to celebrate Chad’s (my oldest son) eleventh birthday. I had a two day respite in Florida before returning to New England to prepare for the next trip to Hong Kong by way of Manila. The plane had just taken off from its refueling stop in Merida, on the Yucatán Peninsula. As we were climbing to ten thousand feet in our ascent, the cabin began to fill with stifling smoke. The oxygen masks deployed as the captain announced we would be returning to the hanger from which we had just departed. Suddenly an overwhelming sense of unfinished business began to consume me. A stifling fear that my sons or family might never be seen again was kept at bay by a frank surrender of my mind and heart to a place of thankfulness to God for what I had already experienced in my life. As the evidence of anxiety rose in the cabin of the 727, I settled down to a place of silent prayers of thankfulness and surrender to whatever might unfold. We returned safely to the terminal for a several hour wait before another departure that whisked us safely away to Miami International. The frank disruption of a clearly defined and planned agenda can be annoying but being confronted with one’s mortality seemingly prematurely presents life changing opportunities. A chronic illness known as PD came to reside with me a few years ago. It has insinuated itself in the midst of my agenda, at times planting anxiety, pain, and stiffness causing frank disruption to my planned life agenda. Like the event at Merida, I settle down to a place of quiet thankfulness for what has already been given. PD may have made its home with me for the duration, but it has not my life defined. I strive to keep it calmly in its quarters surrounded by exercise, good nutrition, and thankful surrender to God’s love. I am not thankful for the presence of disease, but I am thankful to the one who provides strength in surrender, growth in acceptance, hope in the battle, and victory every day.