pain
The hot and humid air penetrates to the skin as this surrendered host to PD moves ever so slowly through the morning haze at the farm. The square foot garden has provided abundantly this season and a desire to beat the mid-day heat prompted an early trek to gather cucumbers, tomatoes and string beans. Anticipating a quick turnaround (my fantasy, I know) the iron gate was left ajar. Voicing her content, one of the literal spring chickens began to waddle her way into the garden seeking fresh bugs or seeds to satiate her seemingly endless appetite. Desiring not to chase after her when I was finished I approached her from behind and touched her gently on the back of her neck. She squatted and lifted her wings in surrender as I gently picker her up and placed her outside the gate near several other curious chickens. They all made their happy perky sounds as they wandered off to the freshly mowed field in search of tender morsels. I too, filled with the undesired moisture that surrounded me and fraught with the strain of bending and pulling the string beans, turned to gather a few ripened tomatoes and the generously filled bag of fresh cucumbers and headed to the “conditioned” air of the habitat called home. As the cool and refreshing air surrounded me, I was suddenly filled with a sense of gratitude for the veggies, the cool retreat from the summer surge of heat and the warm and gentle encounter with the hen. The pain and stiffness had not departed but my new companion that I have grown to rely upon for comfort, the embrace of gratitude, served to gently sooth my thoughts and my cares as I whispered words of thanks to the provider of all things great or small. I am thankful for the discovery!
A restless evening, an aching morning, and a reflective mood give pause to ponder the loss of some stamina. Sitting firmly in the throes of lost muscular flexibility and energy, I grieve the times of physical fitness and agility that I took for granted. The gym was a ten minute walk to the subway, discovering the ancient landmarks of Rome was a day long stroll through the eternal city, and a five block walk was a snap of a journey. Now, a stroll through the grocery store is enhanced by the cart on which I hang as I am reminded step by step of the resistance from muscles and nerves these days. Sometimes, I curse the pain, as though it were the enemy of my desire to do all things expediently. The thought that “it could be worse,” though true, is not helpful. At the moment of recognition of the pain, I find calling it what it is, PAIN, unwelcomed, unwanted, unmitigated, to help the process of grieving the lost, left then to embrace the remaining! What is the remaining? Discomfort, but not disability; distaste for medication, but not for its outcome; and discovery of what may be possible even if the discomfort gets worse. Occasionally I am tempted to throw a pity party with the honored guests being my pride, my ego, my grief, and my dearly beloved self-centeredness. I tried it a couple of times, but found the guests boring and without any substance. I’ve since dismantled my party platform in favor of a soapbox.
The fog engulfs the landscape rendering only a few yards of visibility as this unwilling host to the invasive resident called Parkinson’s disease is in the midst of dealing with his erupting anger. An otherwise good night’s sleep was interrupted once again with various pains emanating from joints and muscles. A slowed and shuffling gate welcomes the morning as this dopamine deprived cerebrovascular network attempts the start of another day. Every activity that used to be so easily accomplished that it was taken for granted now seems to require an intentional plot to accomplish. Even the execution of the day’s agenda requires extra planning in anticipation of the time allotted for completion. Self-chastisement comes easily as this semi-self-perfectionist who lectures self on the need for more physical exercise, a healthier diet and more patience. Guilt over self-absorption quickly dissolves into the cleansing vat of detergent grade gratitude as I dip into it with words of thankfulness. Thanks for another day; another opportunity to discover ways even to truly rest and live in peace that is indeed greater than my understanding. Even a few moments of quiet thoughtfulness on the things and people for which I am grateful helps wash away the crusty old thoughts that heap woe on me! The path from anger to humor appears to be paved with stones of gratitude when we choose to bare our feet upon the pathway.
This morning’s pre-dawn glow was a hazy and foggy reminder that these cooler days do not arrive without evidence that change is underway. There is often physical resistance to weather changes that emerges as stiffness, joint and muscle aches or other symptoms lumped in the basket of descriptors called aging. This aging possessor of PD symptoms just a few weeks ago was experiencing seemingly unbearable aches and pains in his back and legs. At its height, even crawling into bed was accompanied by involuntary moans and cries for Divine intervention. That night was one of relative restoration wherein muscles began to relax and rest was welcomed. Nothing different was done in the daily routine that we can consciously attribute to the descent of well being into the place of agony that had ensued. Likewise, nothing was done differently that has brought about the feeling of healing as the pain and stiffness has steadily departed its position as daylong companion. Resumption of Physical Therapy exercises has been executed each day recently and enthusiastic prayers of thankfulness for the presence of a pain free back have been raised multiple of times each day. Whether Divine intervention or a divinely natural change in a lumbar cyst or other happening, this recipient of relief is enthusiastically grateful for the relief from the piercing pain that was truly debilitating! Gratitude fuels the flame of hope and peace that warms the depths of this heart embracing the blessing that is life!
The fog was slowly lifting as the sun burned its way through the hazy distance. Sleep had been an occasional visitor to this stiff and sore possessor of Parkinson’s pathology after a long journey the day before. The bed had long since lost its reflexive embrace after years of hosting those on retreat. Rising to welcome the day in that early morning mist provided relief from the pressure points only that ancient mattress could illuminate. Reflecting on the beauty that was being unveiled of the Delaware Water Gap through the thinning fog of the distant vista and counting the blessings of renewed friendships in this “retreat” weekend, prayers of gratitude sprang forth in the morning of that new day. Soon the bustle of breakfast and chatter of friendly greetings consumed the space as we all prepared to welcome the day of sharing together in ways that would touch our hearts and inspire our thoughts as “keynote” speakers delivered the renderings of their efforts and heartfelt testaments. Our expectations were again exceeded as thoughtful, intelligent, and inspiring talks unfolded. The last speaker of the day who is just a few years younger than one of my sons shared a moving and scholarly summary of her work in preparing and publishing the biography of Joy Davidman Gresham, wife of C.S. Lewis. So very much has been published about Lewis, but little substantiated information about Joy has emerged over the years. As Abigail, our new acquaintance and gifted author shared her journey of discovery made in research for her book; we were again filled with gratitude for the efforts and exercised talent of those who use their gifts to inspire others. At the end of that day, stiffness aches and pains assumed their welcomed position beneath the presence of thankfulness that erupted in feelings of gratitude for having the opportunity to participate in that final evening of “retreat”.
Sun lit skies were tenuous as strands of chilled air streamed by in the heat of the afternoon. A downpour had threatened the park gathering just an hour before but more than one hundred hopeful and eager members and attendees came together to get to know one another and share a meal. There was one distant cousin among the gathering whom I had never met before. His father and I had been friends as children and teens, but lost contact with one another in the busy time of high school in different locations. It was good to learn from his son that all was well with his dad as we engaged that initial cursory discussion. The stiff and painful companion dubbed Parkinson’s had almost convinced me that greater gain would be found by staying home than navigating the narrow paths of the park or the crowded space of the park’s pavilion. Fortunately, resistance to the avoidance temptation won out and I experienced the joy of interacting with and getting to know just a little better both old and new acquaintances. Pain and stiffness were relegated to positions among the sidelines and gratitude and thankfulness took center stage as we engaged the wonder of fellowship in what is growing to be a broader community. Traveling with the companions of gratitude and thankfulness is proving to be far superior to the sedentary confines of pain and stiffness. The discovery of and sharing with others and their lives and histories enriches the soul like soil readied for planting. May the crop be bountiful!
A raven sails low to the ground casting his shadow on the green and golden field just below. The contrast between this bright and sunny day and the recent wind torn and blustery cold rainy one in the recent past is stark. In the quiet and peaceful illumination of this time and place it seems unimaginable that it would ever appear otherwise. Somehow the relative warmth and brightness of this day brings with it a vista of hope that there will be more of these to come. The season of cold, drab, and rainy days will soon be behind us and we will revel for a time in the warmth of the blessing of the sun. As unintended host to the invader known as Parkinson’s disease, the absence or relief of symptoms that overcast otherwise bright and sunny movements and moods is met with the same breath of gratitude as that of a sunny day. Self-pity and moans of pain and struggles with movement subside like the retreat of the ocean waters at low tide. A new friend recently shared a story in which he was expressing a “prayer” of thankfulness for all the illnesses that he “didn’t” have. I couldn’t emotionally or cognitively relate, but nodded in recognition that he had been heard. I find greater comfort and strength in gratitude for what I do have rather than gratitude for what I don’t have. Gratitude for periods of relatively free symptoms, moments of abilities to walk without pain and resistance, and gratitude for medications, health professionals and loved ones that make this hosting journey a bit less lonely, serve as a foundation upon which I find comfort building. Tomorrow the symptomatic weather may change; today, I live in the light and warmth of thankfulness for what I have before me – opportunity! Gratitude fuels my engine of motivation to embrace the windows of opportunity that open to the fresh air of change!
Stillness surrounds the overcast landscape as we witness the dawn of a new day. Gracie the Golden Retriever lies sleeping as close as she can get without being in my lap. In the distance, a crow caws his persistent refrain. All is still and calm as it appears that not even a vehicle has passed by. This first day of a new year has brought with it an opportunity for reflection. Challenges have been abundant and many have led to opportunities. Still others have necessitated change and adaptation to a “new normal” for this gradually accepting host of Parkinson’s disease. Although we have made friends with the diagnosis and reality of this disease, we cannot fully embrace it as we are yet to discover the unique way in which it will work its way through this also unique human inhabitant. We have shed tears, moved with a slowness that tries patience, endured penetrating pain. We have also enjoyed travel, legalized a lasting relationship, discovered more genetic background, and learned the joy of seeing families cherish their newly acquired puppies. Contributing time, energy, and heartfelt love with several ministries at church has been the spark of a sustained blessing that gives encouragement at each involvement. Gratitude now shores the pathway upon which we plan our moves forward in this new day. Thankfulness brightens the window through which we reflect upon from where we’ve come and step with hope into what is to be discovered!
Sitting now in the restful recliner and anticipating the eventual chores of the day, we are entertained by a flock of geese passing over and noisy ravens foraging the grassy field in front of the old farm house. The early rise this morning was anything but peaceful. The intense ache in the lumbar region that radiated throbbing pain in the hip was the welcoming call to rise from slumber. This visitor, insinuating itself more and more frequently into my slumber, is not a friend. It is instead a rather insistent companion. Hours removed now from the rude awakening we are grateful for the departure of the bothersome companion without having to prod with medication. An upcoming consult with a “spine” specialist may inform us whether or not the would be companion can be eliminated or tamed. Grateful for the possibilities, we move on with our day armed with thankfulness for relief and hope for release. A thankful heart filled with gratitude is the well from which hope springs forth.
Heat radiates from the old cast iron stove and fills the room with its welcoming warmth. The old pot nearly full of water simmers gently as it gives up its moist rendering in the otherwise dry air. Gracie the Golden Retriever sleeps gently by my chair soaking up the warmth on a winter like fall day. Free of pain and agony that left as abruptly as it came three days ago, I reflect with gratitude upon the gift that is another day. Armed with an agenda of tasks and errands, we make our plans to accomplish all in the light of a thankful heart. “This is the day the Lord has made;
We will rejoice and be glad in it.” Psalm 118:24