The emerging green grass shows its healthy demeanor despite the few nights of sub-freezing weather. As the pre-spring warmth returns, this aging host to dopamine’s depletion (PD) savors each moment and welcomes the sense of greater freedom from the constraints of winter’s cold. With that freedom comes then the matter of choice. Shall the comfort of the sturdy recliner supersede the freedom to move about more in the warmth of the outdoor climes? Will the lure of a healthier existence with its enhanced ability in movement motivate this aching and often stiff creature toward a place of greater self-control? If so, to what end? Choosing the half-baked couch potato approach to today and tomorrow when there are multiples of other options seems wasteful and negligent. The many options available in the presence of strength of movement seem the wiser choice today. Furthermore, as gratitude has been the nourishment on the plate of thankfulness from which I feast and thrive, a choice neglectful of gracious options seems a poor response to such wonderful gifts. Today I opt for the multiples of choices more likely to appear in today’s arena of self-control and give thanks for thought provoking moments other people have already inspired.
The caulking between the old logs that was placed there so many years ago, has slowly been eroded by the rain, wind, and the freezing and thawing as the days and seasons change. The once host to hand tied sticks of tobacco hoisted first to the top tier and then filled in below was the “oven” in which some of the farm’s bright leaf tobacco was thoughtfully cured at harvest. Two o’clock in the morning is no time to repair the worn old structure, but an obsessive mind that hosts this thing called Parkinson’s insists upon addressing the repair step by step until sleep seems a distant passer-by. The greater the conscious “fight” to return to slumber, the wider awake this codger becomes until an exit from the bed seems the only relief from the obsession. Far from having slumber satiated, the recliner, the lamp and a book replace the conscious discomfort of the bed. Hours pass with just a hint of slumber tapping gently as the head hosting the dopamine depletion nods gently to startled awakening. As anxiety about the day ahead begins to call, frustration intentionally is given away with surrender to “here and now.” Thoughts of gratitude for the moment’s breath and the heartbeat that signifies the life that despite how “I desire” has so graciously been given. The residue of each thankful expression serves to complete the patchwork of the comforting quilt that is the woven masterpiece now embracing. Whatever the day unfolds, with a grip of gratitude and a tank of thankfulness, the day’s revelation can be warmly embraced!
The fog engulfs the landscape rendering only a few yards of visibility as this unwilling host to the invasive resident called Parkinson’s disease is in the midst of dealing with his erupting anger. An otherwise good night’s sleep was interrupted once again with various pains emanating from joints and muscles. A slowed and shuffling gate welcomes the morning as this dopamine deprived cerebrovascular network attempts the start of another day. Every activity that used to be so easily accomplished that it was taken for granted now seems to require an intentional plot to accomplish. Even the execution of the day’s agenda requires extra planning in anticipation of the time allotted for completion. Self-chastisement comes easily as this semi-self-perfectionist who lectures self on the need for more physical exercise, a healthier diet and more patience. Guilt over self-absorption quickly dissolves into the cleansing vat of detergent grade gratitude as I dip into it with words of thankfulness. Thanks for another day; another opportunity to discover ways even to truly rest and live in peace that is indeed greater than my understanding. Even a few moments of quiet thoughtfulness on the things and people for which I am grateful helps wash away the crusty old thoughts that heap woe on me! The path from anger to humor appears to be paved with stones of gratitude when we choose to bare our feet upon the pathway.
The fields are aglow in the light of the bright sun after the passing weather front. Buds are forming on various trees in what may be a perilously early reaction to unseasonably warm weather in the last few weeks. This seemingly reactionary host to the resident called Parkinson’s disease appears to be as unpredictable as the weather embracing it. A solid night’s sleep may be followed by a stiff and shuffling gait or a restless night with an obsessive waking may result in feeling more energy for the errands and agenda planned the day before. Experience has proven that there are no easy predictors and best made plans have so far been executed even when challenged and resisted. In the warm inside glow of the bright afternoon sun this exercise tardy participant pauses to give thanks for the beauty of the day, the ability to think, and hear semi-howling wind that reminds him of who is in control today and always. Gratitude is the table upon which the feast of life is truly savored as we consume our portion and share with others!
The pre-dawn western sky was aglow as the nearly full moon shone brightly through the break in the fast-moving clouds. It had been four hours since sleep had overtaken in the comfort of the welcoming sheets embracing this possessor of Parkinson’s. Too early to engage fully, I reasoned, as Gracie the Golden nudged herself tightly against my legs. Gently she and I navigated her way to her preferred position stretched across my lap in the ever-welcoming recliner. A full agenda for the day ahead had kept me from rejoining the snooze brigade earlier. The warmth and weight of the loving and zealous seventy-pound creature brought comfort as I stroked her ears and neck. Sleep that still eluded me soon held her in its grip. Her whimpers and jerks signified to me that she was in a deep sleep and dreaming perhaps of an adventure in the fields romping about in the glee of freedom from the confines of the farmhouse. As she seemed to be consumed with dreams I whispered offerings of thanks for the joy of this time with one of God’s special creations. Surrender to accepting that this time awake was simply a part of today’s adventure and had offered me this blessing of cuddle and comfort added peace to the platter being served up. Gratitude, offered up in the expressions of thankfulness and in the presence of surrender is the framework upon which today is built.
It’s early morning and the sun has not yet begun to glow in the eastern sky, however, in the northwestern horizon the sky is aglow with light. The city and state just north of the farm is only a mile away and in these wee hours of the morning in the absence of sunlight, factory and city lights make themselves known. Earlier, as the seemingly routine sleep disturbance knocked so profoundly on the mind of this Parkinson’s host, I lay there frustrated that the sleep that had so passionately overtaken me just a few hours before had departed so abruptly. The more I tried to take control of my thoughts and seeming obsessions the greater the frustration grew and the further from that desired place of deep sleep I traveled. As frustration grew it became obvious that sleep was not to be even a faint visitor. The harder I fought to return to that place of rest the more “unrest” I exposed. This journey along the road of PD pandering has been fraught with frustration, a few feelings of defeat and a light of hope brought forward in utterances of thankfulness for even moments of quiet peace and joy. Today is different! Today I surrender! I surrender not to defeat but rather to the reality that life has changed, my body is different than it used to be, sleep as I have known it for years may or may not return. Agility as I had taken for granted so often in the past may never even make a visit again. Suddenly, there was peace within as I began to embrace the whole notion of surrender. This surrender does not translate to defeat; it partners with what is to be victory in this life that sorts through what is important and what is not. There is more to be learned as I begin today to walk along the journey of surrender, worrying not about my enemy but rather grasping the opportunities that are afforded me by the freedom from fighting that can be exercised in the joy of living!
The covers were reflecting the warmth that this hosting body was giving off and it was providing comfort in what seemed to be the wee hours of the morning. In the semi-darkness of the new morning the old furnace kicked in to bring some added warmth to the space outside the covers. The space was so inviting, but the diminished movement brought on by this invader called Parkinson’s disease was beginning to take its toll on various joints as they began to scream internally for some relief. No longer the participant in renewing REM sleep, this now aching body began to move to “right” itself and thrust its feet into the waiting slippers. As relief began to arrive with the rise of the semi-flexible body, the promise of a new day would soon arrive with the rising of the morning sun. Whatever time the clock would reflect, the time that was before me was one in which thanks was being offered. Thanks for the hope of a new day; thanks for the possibilities and opportunities for growing deeper into the peace that passes all understanding, regardless of circumstances, and thanks to my creator for a love that knows no separation. This willing participant is now covered in the fresh air of gratitude that carries with it the warmth, nurture, and support needed in a world so rapidly changing!
The pre-dawn landscape reflects the cloud subdued light of the moon. The harsh winds from yesterday’s weather front passage have subsided and stillness engulfs the terrain for the moment. Warm weather is predicted for the day with another grasp of winter’s cold hand to follow. A schedule of meetings, medical follow-up’s and routine chores align themselves on the “to-do” list of this still reluctant host to Parkinson’s. Stiffness, sleep disturbance, and the occasional tremor have become companions along the journey. Often pangs of guilt come to visit as I assert my anger at the challenge of buttoning a shirt sleeve or coordinating a fork and knife. As I watch the light drive away the darkness as the sun peeks over the eastern horizon I think of the opportunity that comes with a new day. The opportunity to share a smile; to offer a word of encouragement; to engage in exercise that combats the effects of diseased neurons, and the opportunity to whisper words and thoughts of thankfulness for the blessings already received and for those which are yet to come. Gratitude lifts my mind, heart and soul from a place of cloudy gloom to one that embraces the joy of living in the presence of the One who enlightens our way. Giving thanks helps clear the pathway to greater peace that surpasses our understanding!
Big black eyes with whites barely showing around the edges stare longingly in my direction. Having consumed already her bountiful cup of food and exercised her outdoor freedom, Gracie the Golden who graciously shares her home with this accepting host to Parkinson’s disease watches my every move in anticipation of an opportunity for a place in my lap. All of her sixty plus pounds likes to position itself squarely across my lap as we recline together in the comfortable chair designed for indulgence. Once positioned, she seeks her dreamland with eyes closed and legs placed in what could be described as her fetal position. Sharing her warmth on a chilly morning, the weight of this fur ball on the sometimes-throbbing legs of her host surprisingly brings comfort. A genetically unlikely pair then begin to share what nature has given each. Warmth and weight coupled with a pack instinct to nudge near the leader brings two longing and loving creatures to a place of mutual benefit. Gazing with amazement at the cascade of events, this beneficiary of warmth and massage like weight offers thoughts of thanks for these opportunities to connect in mutually beneficial ways. This grateful early morning experience serves as a reminder that life’s little moments can serve to lift what might otherwise be viewed as a heavy load!
As predicted, the snow came down gently covering the landscape as all objects external assumed their glistening places on the canvas of the hillside. After hours of snowy release from the sky above, the downward flow ceased as sun shone bright upon the newly dressed landscape. Prognosticators asserted that temperatures would plummet to single digits before rising to near springtime highs in just a few days. The roller coaster weather carries with it challenges for which one is best served to be prepared. As an unintended host to the bothersome symptoms of Parkinson’s disease, this aging country dweller is faced with often unpredicted challenges that disturb sleep, present resistant and stiff muscles in routine movements and illuminate points of pain that seemingly have no cause or promise of cessation. Experience has informed that the presence or absence of symptoms is not as predictable as forecasts of weather conditions. That same experience has revealed that whatever the condition (symptom or weather), change will supersede persistence and that sometimes change is a welcomed visitor. As I give thanks for the beauty of the snowy landscape, I am also filled with gratitude for the dissipation of the frosty powder as we navigate the roadway. Thankfulness even in the presence of untoward symptoms that are bothersome at the least is the foundation of the gratitude that gives strength to endure until they subside. Change of weather or symptoms is not in my command. However, expressions of thankfulness that build an arsenal of gratitude are mine to exercise and enjoy!
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