parkinson’s
The chilled dry air of the bedroom was in stark contrast to the warm embrace of the bed covers encompassing this often sleep disturbed host to what is known as Parkinson’s disease. With just three hours of sound sleep accomplished this wandering mind began its tangential journey to places and things far beyond the sphere of reason or command. Pointedly, the attention turned to the Lord whose birth we are to soon celebrate and the command to Love the Lord with all of one’s mind, heart, and soul came to the forefront. Immediately, the sense of having not measured up to that command engulfed this now wide awake participant. An empty feeling emerged as thoughts of poorly executed acts of love toward my God and those He created in His image spread out on the mind’s canvass. Suddenly, as though arms of reassurance opened before me, words as though from a voice deep inside resounded: “this is not about YOU measuring up to loves construction, but rather about ME (God) having first loved you with the kind of love that washes clean all the imperfections that you possess.” The relief and sheer joy that then emerged was enhanced as the notion that we love because we are loved, not so as to gain love’s approval, but because there is no greater “approval” than the love that has wiped away everything that would keep us from it! With a renewed sense of gratitude this otherwise less than perfect participant began his day giving thanks for the perfect love that embraces even when we lose sight of whose love it is!
A heavy mist shrouds the chilled morning air as another day of transition moves the autumn season forward. A time of fellowship, remembrance and encouraging gratitude filled the room at the men’s prayer breakfast this morning. The wife of one of the long time attenders prepared the sumptuous meal as a heartfelt gesture of gratitude for and in honor of her now deceased husband and encourager to many. We were all moved by her actions and her words and reminded that even the seemingly small things we engage serve often as big reminders of the acts of love we are called to engage with one another. Sitting now in the quiet and warm recliner while gazing out at the near barren pecan tree, I am momentarily distracted by the old dead branch hanging with mid-summer leaves still clinging as though not wishing to give up the season’s change. The branch was broken and the leaves were left hanging because that is how nature functions when life is interrupted. The tree will continue on its steadfast path, but without a pause to ponder and reflect, I could easily give my attention to the broken and unreleased leaves that could easily overshadow the bulk of the picture of life in my view. As an unwitting possessor of Parkinson’s symptoms, it would be easy to lay claim to the burden of the broken neurotransmitters and lose sight of the blessing that is “the rest of the tree” that is on its journey through the season. The broken limb and the attached and unrelenting leaves does not constitute the whole of the tree, even if attention is given it. As gratitude emerges that the broken part does not fill the canvas as the centerpiece of the painting, joy, hope and thankfulness begin to emerge as the backdrop for today’s rendering. We shall see how the brush strokes leave their mark in the light that is gratitude!
The frosty fields glisten under the bright morning sun as a new day begins. The ravens have not yet emerged for their daily scavenging acts across the field and graveled drive. The chickens have arisen from their roost to begin their foraging agenda and the goats are already licking past the frost to nibble away at the bountiful pasture grass. The signs of a new day and what may appear to some as a new life have begun. The farm is host to many expressions of daily experiences. Digging deeper, one can’t help but be amazed at the plethora of life giving, life sustaining layers that exist in God’s domain. As the temperature emerges from the still cold freeze of the evening into the gentle welcome of the sunlit day this possessor of Parkinson’s embraces thoughts of gratitude for the possibilities that lie ahead. Assumptions of continued mobility and reasonable flexibility undergird the emerging agenda for today. The assumptions support the faith that tasks will be accomplished. Different assumptions would lead in a different direction that would require as much faith to accomplish. Today this grateful occupant chooses the assumption that focuses my faith on the positive outcomes and their attending reinforcements, being thankful for each step along the way!
The faux-fired infrared fireplace is fanning out furiously the warmth desired on this pre-winter morning. Overcast skies seem to enhance the lingering cold that enveloped the farmland overnight. The Thanksgiving holiday has passed and time with family and loved ones gives way to another week of hustle and bustle for the gainfully employed and those eager to engage in overtly productive activities. Having tasted both, this passive possessor of Parkinson’s symptoms cherishes this time of quiet planning for the week’s desired outcomes. Sleep disturbance fueled by spasmodic jerks as I lay in what was an otherwise comfortable bed prevented this resistant participant from securing a full night’s rest. Tired, but otherwise thankful for another opportunity to engage the day intentionally, we reflect upon the things caught in the grip of obsessive thoughts during the pre-dawn mental tussle that when added to the other mix prompted an early rise to the waiting recliner. A book beside the chair that has been both engaging and inspiring was soon the focus of attention. As the bookmark was put in place, reflection upon the content absorbed helped to refocus this distracted and frustrated pre-dawn participant toward the gratitude that so gently re-orders priorities. A peaceful presence had descended and a blanked of thankfulness had engulfed as another hour of sleep came to visit. Now fully awakened and dutifully medicated in the attempt to replenish otherwise endogenous dopamine we are ready to meet the challenges of this new day with the best we can muster which is ever so greatly enhanced in the presence of gratitude for yet another opportunity to participate!
The glow in the eastern sky illuminated the trees and the pond in the distance as morning dawned upon the hillside in the Piedmont region of North Carolina. As I gazed upward I could see the still bright quarter moon and a few surrounding stars glistening in the crisp and clear morning. Just a few days ago I witnessed the same phenomenon, but from a different position. We were somewhere in the mid-Atlantic ocean cruising toward Port Everglades fresh from the Straits of Gibraltar. The glow in the eastern sky was bright above the water showing in the horizon and the then remnant of a giant full moon shone brightly above. The warmth of the Atlantic surrounded as we embraced the breeze from the fast moving ship that morning. Today’s embrace was quite a bit colder as the arctic front had recently brought with it a cooler presence that reminds us of nature’s change. Two different views, but the same sun rising and the same moon gazing down remind me that life’s basic and sustaining gifts remain the same, but out perspective on them often changes. Life is a gift that is often viewed through filters of experience that have rendered various degrees of value being assigned to it. The filters are our own; the value we assign; the gift is still the gift. As an unwitting host to this disease called Parkinson’s it is easy to wear the diseased filter that assigns a self-asserted value to this gift called life. I am humbled when reminded that the gift is free and from the One who is both the alpha and omega and that the real joy of the gift is living in gratitude. For by doing so, we are afforded the view that sees the greatest value to be found – LOVE.
The sky is overcast, but bright from the sun’s glow above the clouds. The ship is now some seventeen hundred miles from the west coast of Africa since our departure from Tenerife last weekend. Just three more days and we are scheduled to arrive at Port Everglades in Fort Lauderdale. This time upon the sea has been blessed with opportunities to reflect and renew in ways so unexpected when we departed the familiar space of the farm house just eleven days ago. As I stopped to reflect upon what I had been reading while relaxing in the magnificence of the ships library on the precipice of the deck that encompasses eleven or more stories, I couldn’t help but envision analogies to the content of the book at hand. Nabeel Qureshi, in his book “No God but One Allah or Jesus” was telling the story of God’s love so deep for his creation that he took upon himself the blight that separates us in our brokenness from full communion with our creator. That reading gave me pause to remember and reflect that I am made whole in the eyes of my creator who loves me with a love that never ends. As an unexpected host to Parkinson’s I have to replenish the depleted dopamine in my system by routinely consuming my medication that brings me back closer to restoration. Likewise, I am reminded today that I must thoughtfully and spiritually ingest the eternal truth of God’s everlasting love that takes me closer to living the “restored life” made possible through God himself. Gratitude builds the foundation upon which this thankful soul is renewed in the knowledge that it is He and not me who makes all things whole!
The sky was ablaze with lights from the completed and under construction skyscrapers of Philadelphia as the giant plane in which we were safely lodged ascended on the second leg of our journey to Rome, Italy. Already tired from a morning of last minute packing and preparation as we checked off each of the items on the “packing” list for our fifteen day journey aboard a giant cruise ship through the Mediterranean and across the Atlantic Ocean to Fort Lauderdale, sleep was emerging as a welcomed visitor. After a few nibbles of what was described as a chicken dinner, this host to Parkinson’s symptoms opted for desert and the evening’s medication before fading into an ever so brief period on near REM sleep. The arrival in Rome was smooth, but the help with moving from the plane exit to “immigration” and then to baggage claim did not materialize as had been promised before boarding in NC. As the journey walking became longer and longer we finally reached the exit to the “receiving” area of the airport where we deposited our luggage with the cruise line and were instructed when and where to meet for the one hour transport to the ship for embarkation. Words of gratitude for the strength to have made that long walking journey were uttered along with thanks that the excessive walk was accomplished. With a ship sign in her hand held slightly above her head we began what we thought was the short journey to the transport bus. Out the terminal door we marched. There were buses lined up one after the other and we walked by every one of them and then toward an airport exit in the distance. Legs cramping and the weight of my carry-on soon making every step a challenge we walked and walked for what seemed about ten city blocks before we boarded the bus hidden behind an ice cream transport truck. Once seated on the bus this cramping and over tired old codger mentally whispered words of thanks for having found the strength to have made what felt like the two mile walking journey. It wasn’t over, but the one hour reprieve gave encouragement for the last leg of walking through embarkation and the journey to the ships cafeteria and finally to our stateroom. Gratitude was the fuel that fed the motivation to keep on walking, one step at a time!
The alarm sounded and the brain of this Parkinson’s host fought the notion of a new reality, different from the one soundly brewing in dreamland. Almost without thinking the morning routine of medication, a doggie run, a coffee brew, and another quiet time reading and reflecting was engaged. Today’s agenda had me driving in the dark of a mid-fall early morning to attend the first men’s prayer breakfast for this new month. Greetings, smiles and warm welcomes as we shared a morning biscuit or two set the stage for the moments of exchanging prayer requests, both of desires and those of gratitude. The “lesson” for today was from two parables from Luke’s Gospel: The Friend at Midnight and The Widow and the Judge (Luke 11:5-8, Luke 18:1-8). The verbal lesson was brief, but the meaningful lesson came with the instruction to find a quiet place within the church parlor to meditate and pray as our hearts and minds led us. Implicit was the charge to listen to what we were saying and perceiving in the quiet presence of our God with whom our thoughts were being shared. The time seemed to fly by as we were then called to a communal prayer of dismissal and charge to live in the love into which we had been immersed. A total of thirty minutes of my day had been occupied in the conscious presence of the One I worship when I step beyond the bounds of purely self. My day was changed; I viewed the world differently. As I did my errands and attended the tasks at hand I understood that I had crossed the bridge of thankfulness into the place of gratitude that gave a different light to those I saw and the things I did.
The mist rose from the warm pond water into the morning haze expressing its reaction to the newly arrived colder weather. The chickens were already pecking their way from the coop to the waiting compost from which their morning selection of grubs and nearly decaying seeds would emerge with a scratch or two from their thorny feet. Light had fully arrived since this morning’s earlier than usual extended period of wakefulness had led this reluctant host of various Parkinson’s symptoms to ascend the by then discomfort of the mattress to a place of ease in the welcoming recliner. The pup relieved and a few pages into the book being consumed I was reminded that attention to the meaning of the words had been lost to a wandering mind about the health condition of several friends and the list of agenda items that had been crafted for the day. Coffee and a light serving of cereal were consumed before embarking on the search for the first item on the agenda to be placed in a secure location for safe keeping. The last few places that the item had been seen sere checked to no avail. As I sat at my desk pondering the implications of having to replace the document it occurred to me that I may have already placed the item in the safe place. “Surely I would remember that”, I told myself before taking the few steps needed to peer into the secure location. Lifting the lid a burst of laughter erupted from this aging mouth as the document lay there with what gleamed like a smiling face saying; “beat you to it”! A moment of pause followed as I whispered words of thankfulness interspersed with a few otherwise self-deprecating expressions as I laughed at myself. Gratitude and a bit of humor shaken together with the morning mist prove to be an appreciated energy boost on a shiny fall morning!
The glow through the closed blinds was bright as I lay there contemplating the things yet to be done around the farm before winter. Just minutes before I was awakened by nature’s urge and heeded the call. Sleep disturbance is not an unfamiliar visitor to the possessor of Parkinson’s but its visit is nonetheless interruptive of the rest that one so desires for a body neurologically challenged. Nightly visits are routine and usually are not disruptively interruption to a full night’s sleep, but this intruder was determined to gain attention. A field to mow, grass to cut in the yard, repair to an old barn and replacement of a shed’s gutter were intruders that seemed not to respond to “rational” thinking that would have otherwise put them in their place. After what seemed to be an extended period of obsessive time and renewed irritation of painful “pressure points” the only logical alternative seemed to be the one that made this aging codger rise from the sheets and wander into the den recliner for what was hoped to be a finishing evening respite. Irrational thinking had overcome the rational and dopamine depleted neurons seemed to embrace the need to stay wide awake. Upon surrender to wakefulness the yawns began their descent, but time had passed where renewing sleep would become a part of the day’s agenda. Gazing at the rising sun in the east and the setting moon in the west, whispers of thankfulness for the opportunity for another experience of life descended like a blanket of comfort surrounding this now calm recipient. None of the obsessive thoughts will be addressed in today’s agenda, but they will be tucked away in the ultimate “to do” within the next few months. With gratitude for the option of planning the execution of tasks, we prepare for the day at hand.