dopamine
After having “made friends” with some of the untoward side effects of this disease known as Parkinson’s, (or so I thought) I have discovered that there are still challenges that rumble around the edges of irrationality and require a more conscious effort to “put in its place” than I had been exerting. The belief that a night of seven to eight hours of uninterrupted sleep was within the realm of possibility has been dashed after several years of “now you sleep and now you don’t”. This morning, after responding to nature’s call, I grunted my way back under the covers to find a resting place. An itch on my back required a scratch. Then, a pressure point pain in my hip required an adjustment. And then, my mind went on its obsessive task of reconstructing the roof of the lean-to shed attached to the old tobacco barn that has slowly been giving way, but nearly collapsed with the last snow fall. Rationality came to visit as I told myself there would be no way to resolve that issue at this time in the middle of the night. This dopamine deprived brain of mine would not embrace the rational thought. I recalled those for whom I had been offering prayers for their healing and or comfort and began prayerful thoughts. The barn shed popped up in my mind again as though a gladiator had returned with sword in hand, flinging the picture of the bent roof directly in my face, shouting “take that”. With a sigh of resignation, I pulled the covers back, slipped on my pajama bottom and my slippers and found my glasses placed gently on the side table just a few hours before. The light from the full moon of that evening was shining through the translucent blinds, so I did not need to flip the switch for full lighting that I feared would lift me to a height of full awareness. After a short journey to the den and securing a comfortable position in the recliner, the handy electronic device used as calendar, telephone, alarm clock, Biblical reference, internet search vehicle was unlocked with my thumbprint and I zoomed into the wonderland of messages and information. A few hours later, I woke to the light of a rising sun, the blank screen of the hand held device and a sense of gratitude for having gained a few more hours of sleep. With a freshly brewed cup of coffee in hand and the day’s designated reading and calendar before me, I gave thanks for the time of deep sleep that had renewed my awareness and energy level, if even slightly. Expressing gratitude for having access to mind numbing distractions from one of the several reconstructive projects, brought with it a sense of peace from which the day’s agenda could emerge. A grateful mind is the engine that propels a thriving heart!
The visitor, unwelcomed and uninvited, came to visit again. Finding a place of comfort between the sheets was an effort strong enough to bring this reluctant host of PD to full awareness that sleep was not to revisit any time soon. Pain was insisting that attention be given as this host became obsessed with thoughts of relieving self of the visitor. The sturdy recliner offered welcomed relief, embracing the aging and now tired recipient of reduced dopamine. In those wee hours of the morning a browse through social media brought our attention to remembrances of two young men in their thirties, taken away, each by auto accidents. The tears began to well up in these previously dry eyes until they expressed their fluid full force after reading a tribute to a humble member of a local ministry who passed away from cancer and left so many of his cohorts in a state of grief. Now fully flowing with tears, it was time to just let it flow. As the emotional purge proceeded, recollections of the wonder of things experienced because of these precious lives came to mind and were uttered in expressions of gratitude to God for having been in my life. Their lives and the loss of the communities in which they thrived were not about me, but as I continued to give thanks it was easier to see that so many others were touched in more and different ways by these lives now being remembered. Gratitude became the lens through which the miracle of love became alive even in the face of what is termed as death. The light of today glows brighter and clearer because of its reflection through gratitude.
The evening dew has turned to frosty crystals over the grass, stone driveway and vehicles needed this morning for planned errands to start the week. Glowing sunshine creates a glare as it brightens even the crystals on the compost embracing the tree trunks. The chickens are out early today and Edna the friendly hen expresses herself impatiently as the pup finds joy in chasing after her. Just a few weeks ago we were roaming the hills of Galilee beholding the wonders of olive groves dotting the hilly landscape. The tour bus stop by the River Jordan gave us ample time to explore some of the nooks and crannies of this ancient river connected to the sea upon which the Savior walked. Stepping gently onto the still clear water near the steps into the baptismal pool, I reached down to touch the water I perceived to be so precious. The curious fish came floating by much like Edna the hen comes looking for tossed morsels. Seeing fingers plunging beneath the crystal blue surface gave the fish pause and he abruptly swam from the river’s edge. The tranquil flow of the blue green stream was enough to calm the thoughts and potential fears of this unwilling host to the disease called Parkinson’s. With a grateful heart I gave thanks for the opportunity to stand quietly at the river’s edge, taking in the beauty of the present moment with thoughts of its ancient past. This farm boy, fraught with deficient dopamine, reflects quietly today upon the gift that is life experiences. They come one moment at a time, during one day at a time, and I am ever so thankful for the mind and moment of experience!
The faux-fired infrared fireplace is fanning out furiously the warmth desired on this pre-winter morning. Overcast skies seem to enhance the lingering cold that enveloped the farmland overnight. The Thanksgiving holiday has passed and time with family and loved ones gives way to another week of hustle and bustle for the gainfully employed and those eager to engage in overtly productive activities. Having tasted both, this passive possessor of Parkinson’s symptoms cherishes this time of quiet planning for the week’s desired outcomes. Sleep disturbance fueled by spasmodic jerks as I lay in what was an otherwise comfortable bed prevented this resistant participant from securing a full night’s rest. Tired, but otherwise thankful for another opportunity to engage the day intentionally, we reflect upon the things caught in the grip of obsessive thoughts during the pre-dawn mental tussle that when added to the other mix prompted an early rise to the waiting recliner. A book beside the chair that has been both engaging and inspiring was soon the focus of attention. As the bookmark was put in place, reflection upon the content absorbed helped to refocus this distracted and frustrated pre-dawn participant toward the gratitude that so gently re-orders priorities. A peaceful presence had descended and a blanked of thankfulness had engulfed as another hour of sleep came to visit. Now fully awakened and dutifully medicated in the attempt to replenish otherwise endogenous dopamine we are ready to meet the challenges of this new day with the best we can muster which is ever so greatly enhanced in the presence of gratitude for yet another opportunity to participate!
The distant view of the western horizon is obscured by the steady downpour of rain on this warming spring day. Remnants of wind torn siding ripped from the eaves of the farmhouse lay in collected piles awaiting repair and restoration where usable. This season has been inundated with teases of summer, haunts of winter and remnants of floods. One consistency that we are learning to count on is change! Change from welcomed and expected climes to those wished behind us and back again has become the cycle consistently expressed. Deep within the brain of those of us who have been called upon to host the ever depleting levels of dopamine that has been labeled as Parkinson’s disease, a phenomenon similar to the current weather pattern has emerged. It too is called change. That change may occur rapidly and with unexpected consequences or it may emerge slowly in medically predictable fashions. In either instance, it embraces what has become familiar; sometimes friendly, sometimes a foe, but always change. Although friendship with an apparent foe seems an unlikely occurrence, friendship has become a reasonably logical step along the pathway to a place of peace. The friendship is not with the consequences of change per se, but rather with the very fact that change is an inevitable part of the process of life. Thankfulness for another step along the pathway to the “peace” that goes beyond routine understanding leads one to the gate of gratitude that when entered renders a whole new vista.
The cool morning air presents a grand opportunity to address the budding new grass that rampantly insinuates itself in the garden beds. Recollecting the addition of grass cuttings last fall to the compost heap now strikes one as an unwise choice. Apparently, enough seed and root segments survived the heat of the composting to become the genesis of new life in the planting beds. Challenged by the mistake and armed with new knowledge, we slowly and steadily attack the sprouting grass with an extracting tug. Whatever the cause, the work now is to diminish the unwanted vegetation giving room for the desired and intended garden selections. Parkinson’s disease seems to insinuate itself in the area intended for living and appears to desire obstruction by its very presence. We’ve determined what its cause is not and have speculations as to what is its cause, but neither help with the problem of its ever present challenges to what has been assumed as normal routine. Just as the planting beds require a steady “weeding” so this dopamine challenged body needs a steady routine of “weeding” out of stiffness and resistance by maintaining some semblance of exercise and flexible activity. Sometimes the challenges are great and sometimes they are less, but always they remind this participant of the gratitude that fuels the engine of perseverance. The weeding, ever so slow, stands as a reminder that obstacles are removed or diminished one tug at a time.
In that twilight moment between dreams and conscious awareness of one’s surroundings a movement or sound can jolt one into a state far from sleep. Suddenly dreams have been supplanted by obsessive thoughts of things about which nothing can be done at the moment. Intent to “take control” of these obsessive thoughts renders one totally out of control as more of the impossible floods the consciousness. There seemed to be three choices that could be engaged: Continue the battle for control and flop from side to side seeking comfort between the sheets; secondly, one could seek to surrender thoughts in prayer noting no need to be in control and relax in the comfort that may come from that; or lastly, get up and change the environment all together. Having pursued the first two with vigor, this semi-weary soul chose to rise from the confines of the sheets and the accompanying obsessive thoughts and engage in minor chores as the morning dose of dopamine supplement took hold. In a place now where impossible tasks no longer weigh on consciousness, we are better positioned to give thanks for restful restoration that was accomplished and the dismantling of the weight of obsessive thoughts. As the sun now rises through the mist of earth’s emission, we rest with gratitude as we anticipate an early nap. Thankfully, control is not mine to master!
Filled with blossoms and buds the forest touts its regeneration with shades of green and yellow. Cool overcast skies surrender its burdensome water as droplets of rain descend indiscriminately on all that lies below. Some of the rendering penetrates the thirsty soil while some joins the fluid of the running stream. Still other droplets target waiting leaves to be absorbed or to be evaporated into the already moist air that will condense it yet again at another time. The cycle of life sustaining moisture seems healthy in the Piedmont this year and if continued promises a healthy garden this season. Movement relies upon a sufficient supply of a nerve transmitter known as dopamine. That transmitter is produced deep in the brain by what is known as pyramidal cells. Dopamine that is not used up circulates freely to be consumed as needed for smooth and seamless movement. When the pyramidal cells begin to die off, as in Parkinson’s, less and less dopamine is available for consumption during normal activity. Stiffness and a “resting” tremor begin to occur as healthy dopamine levels are depleted. Sometimes a shuffling walk and or uncontrollable movements give evidence of transmitter depletion. Fortunately, there are some substitutes for dopamine that can be taken orally that help to satiate the body’s cry for the seeming life-giving dopamine. Just as water from the well through the strategically placed sprinkler system mimics the spray of rain in nature’s cycle, the ingestion of neural transmitter facilitators refreshes what has been depleted in nature’s supply. Taken with a full dose of gratitude, the substitute facilitator reaches its true potential in a thankful recipient. Rain is nature’s preference, but a hearty dose from the sprinkler system facilitates a bountiful crop as well.
Clouds hover as they disrupt the rays of the sun. Peering through the window it seems apparent that the temperature is cold and uninviting. A walk outside dismisses the thought of cold as the warmth of the air embraces one’s face. Adjusting to the weather change is inviting, but sometimes challenging. Adjusting to change with Parkinson’s is challenging as well. Each person’s experience is uniquely different, much like each person’s experience with today’s weather is patently their own. Years ago I studied the various manifestations of this neurological disorder known as Parkinson’s disease. It was then part of my job educating pharmacists on the nuances of diminution of pyramidal cells in the brain and the subsequent loss of dopamine, an essential neural transmitter. Then it was clinical and distant, much like the view of the weather from inside the house. Now it is up close and personal and nothing like what my “clinical” version rendered. Thankfully, none of the symptoms are as bad as I had once imagined. Some say “just wait, they will get there.” I think they may or may not be right, but as the symptoms “progress” they will again be experienced within my unique perception. The journey is one of passage through the various stages described as grief. Sometimes I experience anger at the discomfort, pain, stiffness and patent slowness in movement. Other times I press forward in denial that anything could keep ME from accomplishing my heart’s intent. Then again I slump in my chair of despair and shed tears at the loss of agility. The most blissful of times are those embraced by acceptance that challenges may come and go, but there are responses to those challenges that may brighten the day when wrapped as the gift of gratitude for yet another opportunity. No matter the metaphorical condition of weather outside, the joy of life’s experience is uplifted by the level of gratitude and thankfulness nurtured on the inside!